50 Reasons to Take a Bath in Cyanide
Don't you wanna play?
WARNING: Dark humor about the Holocaust (which I do not in all seriousness deny having happened AT ALL)
Here’s my modest proposal: the FDA should approve cyanide as a topical medication. Why? Many reasons:
It kills lice.
It kills fleas.
It prevents you from getting sick from diseases like bubonic plague and typhus.
It prevents the transmission of bubonic plague and typhus.
It’s not brand-new experimental technology. First human trials were done nearly a century ago. That makes it older and therefore even safer than the vaccine for polio!
It’s proven to be safe AND effective for its purpose.
It was tested on humans first instead of animals which technically makes it vegan!
It’s all-natural. It’s just carbon and nitrogen, the same elements found in your proteins and DNA.
It’s even produced inside your body. Unlike nasty manmade insect killers such as ivermectin.
But it’s not made out of aborted fetuses (it may have been tested on a few though!)
It can cure cancer. Seriously. Ever heard of laetrile/vitamin B17? That’s actually a prodrug for cyanide that the money grubby Big Pharma refuses to allow to be FDA approved! If Big Pharma won’t approve it then it HAS to be good!
There are people dying of insect-borne illnesses in Africa right now that would love to have cyanide shower stalls installed in their country but unfortunately greedy companies like I.G. Farben won’t give them the patent so they can build their own. I mean come on. You know that if they won’t let poor starving Africans have it then it has to be good stuff!
I mean for crying out loud the human trials were done on privileged White people instead of on poor starving Africans like they usually do so the super-smart scientists running those trials must’ve already been convinced that it was safe!
Don’t hold out for ivermectin, or permethrin, or imidacloprid or whatever other shitty third-world insecticide that Russian disinformation puppets have convinced you is better. The best insecticide is the insecticide you can get right now.
You don’t have to live social distanced from your friends and neighbors anymore. You can return to your normal lives of being packed like sardines in a crowded city or workplace or prison cell.
You won’t have to dress in suffocating garb like a Muslim all the time in public to stop the fleas from hopping off you and spreading disease to others anymore either.
Yes we’ll admit in VERY RARE instances cyanide CAN kill you… but you’re much more likely to die of typhus.
Case in point: Anne Frank, the most famous Holocaust victim, died of typhus, not cyanide. I bet she would have loved to have had access to cyanide.
You could get free food or free lottery tickets or other free goodies if you volunteer early.
You’ll be allowed to visit New York and check into one of the Orange Man’s luxury hotels again.
Don’t worry about mandates. The Orange Man would never do that.
And even if he did he would at least allow you to get a louse check first. You only have to take a bath in cyanide if you actually have lice.
He couldn’t anyway because the courts wouldn’t allow it. That prerogative belongs to provincial governments and private corporations. And it’s only fascist when the federal government does it.
In fact Hitler actually never enforced mandatory cyanide baths on German citizens. You see, he wanted the weak ones to get infected and die.
That fascist clown shouldn’t get any of the credit for rushing the production and approval of his brand of cyanide anyway. It was all thanks to the work of the brilliant scientists at I.G. Farben who have dedicated their lives to saving lives from diseases.
If you look at the areas in wartime Germany that were politically opposed to cyanide showers and the leaders that facilitated the construction of cyanide-filled shower stalls you will find that they have a much higher rate of deaths due to typhus than the areas that politically supported said leaders.
Mandates do work by the way. In wartime Germany, the percentage of deaths attributable to typhus infection in the areas where cyanide showers were mandated was much lower on average than in the areas where cyanide showers were optional or not available.
Besides the Holocaust and WWII might have devastated Europe but at least they didn’t lose one-third of their population like they did during the Black Death of the Middle Ages. That’s proof that cyanide was effective because if they had cyanide during the Middle Ages there would have been a lot fewer plague deaths.
Danny Elfman - you know, the famous 80s rock star/film composer/classical composer/trophy husband of 90s actress Bridget Fonda - makes taking a bath in cyanide sound like a good time in this song:
Trent Reznor, the famous 90s rock star/film composer makes it sound even more badass in this cover:
Ooh lookie, a remix of the song complete with cartoon music video!
Being bathed in cyanide is sexy. Nobody wants to sleep with a guy/gal/nonbinary hottie who’s got crabs.
You’ll smell yummy right afterwards, like almond extract.
Sure you might feel sick at first but that sick feeling will pass. There’s a good chance you might not get sick at all.
The cyanide is diluted enough that it’s much too weak to kill humans.
The quality control is being monitored under the strict watchful eye of the FDA which was definitely not massively deregulated by the Orange Man or anything so there’s no chance you could accidentally end up with a dose concentrated enough to kill humans.
“Breakthrough infestations” may occur but they’re very rare and when they do occur the fleas/lice are too debilitated to breed and lay eggs so it still prevents their spread.
Even if it doesn’t prevent spread - this is likely because the insects will be repulsed by the cyanide oozing out your pores causing them to hop away and bite some stupid unbathed person instead - it still protects you from infection because the insects don’t want to bite and spread disease to somebody with cyanide oozing out their pores.
For this reason you want to take a bath in cyanide even if you don’t have fleas or lice for the purpose or repelling them. In fact it’s useless if you’ve already got fleas and lice because the concentration isn’t large enough to kill humans and the concentration required to kill fleas and lice is larger than the concentration required to kill humans.
Did we mention it’s good for the environment? It will reduce your carbon footprint massively…
It’s a lot cheaper and quicker to produce than other bug killers too. This reduces your tax burden since it’s coming out of your taxes.
You won’t get bitten by fleas from your dog or cat.
In fact your dog or cat’s fleas might go away if they sleep with you right afterwards and you shed cyanide fumes on them.
There are no long-term effects. The effects are temporary. So temporary in fact that you need to get bathed again every couple of years or months or weeks or days depending on how quickly the lice come back.
But the formula works for all varieties of insects so there’s no chance they will evolve resistance to it like with all the other pesticides.
It’s easy. You can get it done anywhere. They’re even installing cyanide stalls at places like McDonald’s now.
It’s free! And since it’s safe there’s no way that you will pay for it later on with huge hospital bills that your insurance company won’t cover because the actuaries calculated that intentionally risking cyanide poisoning is not financially worth the expected benefits and therefore a fair reason to deny an insurance claim.
If you heard that the cyanide bath will kill you in five months or make you magnetic or is filled with nanochips or some other ridiculous strawman conspiracy theory like that… come on, you know that can’t be true! Even the less extreme-sounding conspiracy theories must also be false because there’s no way anybody that Alex Jones or Tucker Carlson or anybody else who entertains such crazies would invite to appear on their show can be right about anything!
It shows you support Ukraine. For some reason. Even though more than half of Ukrainians are unbathed and therefore crawling with disease-carrying vermin.
Maybe none of this makes sense to you… but ultimately, at the end of the day, you’re not the expert. The experts went to school for years and years to attain a level of knowledge that is incomprehensible to your puny brain. If they say 2 + 2 = 5 they must have a reasonable explanation for it that you’re simply not smart enough to understand. It doesn’t matter how smart you think you are, you need to surrender your faculties of reasoning and make their job easy by letting them do your thinking for you as though you were an eloquent animal instead of a sapient human being with SOMETHING INSIDE YOUR HEAD
My kind of satire, twisted and dark. This really drives home the point. 💜
Yer funny. :)
And silly.
Me too:
Causation does not imply correlation.