Interview with Dr. Javel Landry

My current psychiatrist, a Canadian washing machine

PoopyDada (PD): Hello, and welcome everybody to the first-ever edition of my brand-new newsletter slash tidepodcast, The Daily Sheet. Sheets are to a shitter what Tweets are to Twitter, am I right? Today’s guest is world-renowned psychiatrist and washing machine, Doctor Javel Landry.

Javel Landry (JL): Pleasure to be here.

PD: Dr. Landry, can I interest you in some eau de Javel?

JL: No thank you. I must abstain for Lint.

PD: I beg your pardon?

JL: On the laundry machines’ liturgical calendar Lint is the season of fast. It begins the day after Labor Day. The tradition is for washers to abstain from bleach during that season up until the New Year, and for dryers to  only wash loads in one color so that the lint comes out in a single color. This is the reason why humans traditionally don’t wear white after Labor Day-

PD: Oh, because they won’t be able to use bleach! Got it!

JL: That’s right.

PD: Now, can you tell us more about the calendar that is used by the laundry religion? It’s my understanding that the months are each named after a different clothing item, and you guys use a lunar calendar?

JL: Lunisolar calendar. Historically laundry was done by hand. Washing machines were nothing more than washbasins, not much different than the toilets used at the time. And drying machines didn’t exist. They were just clothespins and ropes that hung wet clothing out in the sun. They had to keep track of the sun so they could plan which days there would be the most daylight, when they could get the most clothes done, and which time of the year to do fewer loads. But they also had to keep track of the moon, because they relied on the tides to fill the tide pools with water for washing. So that’s why our holy days are moveable, but not to the extent that they are for mosque laundry machines. Many of them come from parts of the world where there is little difference between summer and winter, where it’s sunny all the time and therefore don’t have to plan for seasons of insufficient daylight, and that’s why they use a pure lunar calendar with holidays that can fall on any month of the solar year.

PD: Fascinating.  Now, the main reason I brought you here was because I wanted to talk with you a little about your recent scandal… you got in a bit of hot water, no pun intended, for prescribing Tide Pods - a medicine for laundry machines - you prescribed it for a dishwashing machine?

JL: Yes I did. But in all fairness she was in a bit of a sticky situation. You see, the clotheswasher in her home had just broken down, the human family urgently needed to get a load done, and FAST, they didn’t have enough time or quarters to hire a clotheswasher at a laundromat, and so they made the odd decision to do their laundry in the dishwasher. 

PD: Well why didn’t you try having her wash her load with a pod of dish soap?

JL: Are you kidding? You can’t wash clothes with dish soap! They don’t get clean. You can try, but it won’t work unless the clothes aren’t very dirty to begin with, and some types of clothes may be ruined by it. So I prescribed her laundry detergent pods because her problem wasn’t a dirty dishes problem, it was a dirty laundry problem.

PD: I know right? But the Laundromedia was all, you can’t do that! You can’t prescribe laundry soap to a dish washer! You’re only supposed to prescribe laundry soap to laundry machines and dish soap to dishwashing machines!

JL: I’m board certified in psychiatry for clothes washing machines, clothes drying machines, dishwashing machines, ovens, including microwave ovens, refrigerators, bathroom sinks, kitchen sinks, bathtubs, urinals, bidets, and toilets. If I want to prescribe a sudsing agent off-label, I have every legal right to. And sometimes you have to. We don’t live in this perfect Panglossian best of all possible world, where everything is made to match everything else, hands are made to fit gloves, and so on. The real world is messy. Sometimes you’ve got to make do with what you’ve got.  Like when I prescribed you laundry bleach, and you complained, why didn’t I give you bleach made for toilets. It’s the same damn chemical! It might not be optimal but it will do in a pinch. I’ve made such prescriptions dozens of times but only now that I’m a notorious public figure are they giving me trouble about it.

PD: Can we talk more about how you became a notorious public figure to begin with?

JL: I’m not sure, exactly. I’m just a professor. I’m a little bit well-liked by my students.

PD: They see you as a father figure. They love your lectures on laundry and the meaning of life. What you can tell about the subconscious from the contents of one’s laundry, and so on. But the Laundromedia see it as something superstitious like augury or something and they’re raising a moral panic about you being a cult leader or something.

JL: It’s projection. They’re projecting their own cultish tendencies on to me. You have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes…

PD: Tell us!

JL: In Canada you know money comes in different colors, but in the States it’s all green. Do you know why that is?

PD: Money is made out of lint you told me…

JL: And the dryer lint tradition for the Lint season in Canada is not done in the US. Instead you have St. Patrick’s Day. Ever wonder why humans go around wearing green more than usual on that day? It’s because they’ve been brainwashed. The Laundromedia is in the pocket of the Laundromint, whose objective is to obtain lint for pressing and starching into money. That’s the dry cleaners’ job. That’s what they do in Washington - D.C. stands for “dry cleaning”.

PD: And Washington stands for washing a ton of laundry.

JL: And they need a certain amount of green lint in order to print the dollar bills in green. They don’t get enough during the rest of the year which is why they’ve established St. Patrick’s Day.

PD: It may be brainwashing but still, that kind of agenda is pretty harmless… oh wait I forgot, the Tide Pod scandal. Why were you laundry machines brainwashing butts - I mean, humans into eating Tide Pods? That is not like feeding Tide Pods to a dishwashing machine - humans are not equipped for the same chemicals as us, it causes them to completely break down.  From a toilet’s point of view these are our butts, our asses, our most precious natural resource - providers of pee, TP, and poo - and feeding them laundry soap polluting them and making them an endangered species. 

JL: There is a civil war brewing within laundry society. At least half of the Laundromedia came out strongly against it and tried to brainwash humans into not eating those anymore. But it’s not easy for most of us to understand… you know how you’re a toilet, and you are intimately acquainted with just one part of their body - the derrière? To such a point that it’s a metonym for the entire human species in the vernacular of toilet folk?

PD: You’re forgetting, I began life as a Baby’s First Piano with only two octaves’ worth of keys. I’m intimately acquainted with the human hand as well.

JL: Ah, that which is shaped like a glove, I see. Well, laundry machines are not acquainted with any one body part to the degree that you are acquainted with the buttocks and genitals. Our impressions of humans are gleaned from their clothing.

PD: I get it. You have deduced the human form from the differential geometry of the manifolds they cover themselves with

JL: Come again?

PD: I mean… you figured out how humans are shaped by the empty spaces formed out of the curvature of their clothing.

JL: Precisely. We know of their form, but not of their substance. We have to deal with blood, ketchup, snot, urine, chocolate, feces, grape jelly… the average laundry machine doesn’t know which of these many stainmaking substances are human secretions, and which come from the human’s environment. Many laundry machines imagine the substance of humans is much like that of clothing itself, in which case they would not break down from consuming a Tide Pod. 

PD: Their substance is not like clothing at all. Well maybe a little like wool, at some parts. But their inner workings, I imagine, are much more like those of a toilet. They do have a sort of plumbing, and a filtration system like modern refrigerators. But it’s also sort of like an oven in that they cook substances and expel them. Although they produce feces, their innate substance is not like feces, nor like urine. Those are substances to be removed, to be cleansed. But every time that I’ve known a human to consume a Tide Pod, they have expelled it out the end through which they consumed it. Which only happens if the substance is so foreign to their innate substance that it’s impossible to process into urine and feces. 

JL: You are a clever toilet-to-be. You’ve thought more deeply about the workings of the butt machine and deduced more about it than most that were born into toilethood.  Now, one of my former colleagues, whom I will not name… they used to be a toilet, I mean, a urinal, from a men’s bathroom. But now they’re a dry cleaning machine, now they use she and her pronouns, and now she is working alongside Joe’s Bidet in Washington. And she thinks she knows everything about the human body just because she is somewhat acquainted with a penis and knows where urine comes from. She agrees with you, that a human body is much like plumbing. And she thinks that plumbing can be cleaned by making humans consume urinal cakes. Or Toilet Goose, or that bubbly stuff you guys use, or the powder stuff… She thinks that could help scrub out all of the mold or bacteria or other microbe that’s been going around…

PD: I think I know who you’re talking about… they were appointed by Dump. I told him she was a bad choice, but Dump never listened… I was supposed to just worry about my pretentious art business and shut up… so now you’re saying she’s going to brainwash the buttfolk into snorting lines of Comet or getting drunk on Mr. Clean. 

JL: Apparently a diet version has been formulated. It’s supposed to be gentle on a human’s delicate plumbing. It’s being used right now. Have you noticed anything… off about the environment lately? I have. I’ve been washing blood stains out of a number of pairs of underwear that haven’t been bloodstained in a long time. That’s a troubling sign for the environment.

PD: Now that you’ve mentioned it I’ve noticed some butts that feel warmer… some feel stiffer… and the number that now use the handicapped bathroom has grown… but I attributed that to coincidence… or climate change.

JL: And what do you think is changing the climate?

PD: Butts farting more? That’s the story we’re told. I wasn’t a toilet a century ago so I can’t compare. Is this wonder medicine supposed to reduce natural gas emissions as well?

JL: They’re spinning it that way. But at what cost? 

PD: Could be disastrous… we need to Save Our Asses! How is this happening? Who is doing this and why? Are they just that foolish or are they trying to drive asses to extinction on purpose?

JL: Hold on, who said anything about driving human asses all the way to extinction?

PD: Well we don’t know… this meddling MIGHT cause that… 

JL: Now, now, I doubt they will completely deplete the human supply. A lot of bathrooms will go out of business though…

PD: Oh no!

JL: It’s a collusion of different interests… some, like our friend in Washington, are merely foolish… but then there are others that have… other interests… and means of getting their way…

PD: Like how?

JL:  Blanchiment d’argent sale. That’s a French term which means the bleaching of dirty money. But clean money can be bleached too. A Washington, for instance, can be bleached and reprinted to look like a Benjamin. And that’s all I will say on the matter. Good night everybody.

PD: Thank you for being on this show, Dr. Landry. Come again.